Day one – Me

This is the start of a personal short-term writing challenge. This is about sticking to schedules and progressing with my writing when it feels like the last thing I want to do.

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My body is not a temple but I am trying. My brown hair with unrequested blonde highlights stands on end, hiding the bobbin somewhere in the knots and split ends. My eyes are heavy and weigh me down with all they have seen. My eyebrows grow with no limit, sprouting hairs from under and above and in between. My purple hued pink lips are cracked with threats of bursting. My forehead and chin are peppered with childhood chicken pox marks and old, now pink, scars.

I am looking too close so I take a step back from myself and then I see her. What I would be if I cared or wanted to care. Not out of an air of cool but, out of necessity. The scars and cracked lips and overgrown eyebrows and knotted hair and protruding body are to stay hidden from sight.

At this distance it is safe. With the hot tap running a little bit more than the cold tap, I fill the basin. My hair smoothes with every stroke of my paddle brush as if it was yearning to be kept, and perches happily on the top of my head, no longer tangled. With an inhale, I dive headfirst into the sink, the water clings to my face when I emerge again. The green gel cleanser smells like an artificial cucumber, soothing and stinging, but I still rub it into my skin in circular motions. I take another breath as I prepare for my next dive, this time I stay under there and rub the gel off my skin. It falls away into the water and for a moment I open my eyes. The moment I do, I relax and fall into the sink. The water around me grows and envelopes me whole. Now I am swimming in the sink with my freshly cleansed face. I go deeper into the water and find myself at the bottom, though I am running out of breath. My lungs want me to surface but I can’t go back up there where I am cruel to the one person who has carried me from the start. Down here is blurry and warm and comforting. No one can see through the murky water and I feel fluid as every part of me moves comfortably in the water.

Out of sight of myself and others.

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