taking photos of yourself is hard

I have missed blogging for months now but I felt I had nothing to say and I found myself focusing on writing/creation other than my blog.

That is my semi-excuse. In other words, I’m sorry.

So, let me catch you up.

  • I found out that taking photos of myself on self-timer is really difficult for me and I have no idea why. I am blaming the lens (because it definitely isn’t me…) Also, yes, the feature photo is today’s attempt at a self-portrait. It was meant to be artsy sitting behind my laptop but instead looks like Apple asked me to take down the photo so I blurred it.
  • I have found new found resilience that I didn’t know I had. I was recently told some “free advice” by a total stranger which was that I should reconsider moving to Italy because I a) have never been there, b) don’t have a job yet, c) don’t know anyone, and, d) wasn’t willing to invest into her pyramid scheme (she entirely flipped her mood once I couldn’t afford her programme). For a day and a half I replayed everything she said and kept thinking, if a stranger could say this what was my family thinking? Then I realised my family didn’t say any of this because they know I am a sensible, clever, quick-witted and hardworking person. If I can’t get a job in the city as a teacher or a waitress or a tutor or an architect I will move to the countryside and pick fruit or bake bread or muck out stables or pick olives. I will do anything to make this dream work and it really annoyed me that I let this money-driven, bitter woman affect my thoughts and dreams like that. I don’t owe her anything. (I just blocked her on IG, it took me three days to do that but the last line sold me.)
  • I love creativity and being creative. Nothing makes me happier. In case you didn’t know I am starting a digital mag called ‘Into the nebula’ which is a creative collaborative collection of content created by bloggers (if only we were called ‘cloggers’ – I love alliteration). It isn’t too late to submit so if you are a female writer/photographer/illustrator/poet/haiku-ist/anything creative I will direct you to this last post where you can find out more —> Into the nebula. I actually couldn’t/can’t believe that people are submitting/have submitted work. It blows my mind! Also, the female bloggers out there are kick-ass and I hope this will bring more people to see their work because they really deserve it.
  • I am in Christmas mode already and it is November 16th as I am writing this. I have bought my fourth Christmas themed food mag (a true sign of a Tearknee household Christmas). I have started the Christmas songs and, yes, I AM SORRY but I have watched two Christmas movies so far. I know this will be the last Christmas for a very long time that I am free of obligations and responsibilities so I am diving antlers first into it.
  • I love my family and this time of year really cements that fact into my head. It happens to also coincide with the time of year where I wish the Beckhams would ‘Daddy Warbucks’ me away from these absolute wretches! That is dramatic and yes, I am 26 so really who should be leaving who? I love my family but this time of year tests everyone in that department. That being said, I couldn’t survive without them and although I would be fit to kill them I love them very much. I would be entirely lost without them and I don’t know how I will function in Florence without them around me all the time.
  • I am starting to love my body. It has taken me twenty-something years to start but better late than sorry and, I really feel I would be sorry if I had continued the way I was going. I hated on my body so much and believe me I am still filled with disgust for it sometimes. Then there are other times where I love every ounce of myself. I love my long hair and small eyes. I love that my hips and bum are big and I allow my big stomach to be. At those moments I am happy with myself, well, not entirely but it becomes like a truce with myself. Instead of yelling internally “you’re fat, you are ugly, your hair is flat and frizzy” I think to myself “you look good today, you are working on being healthy not skinny, you are loved and deserve that, I love myself and so I should do”. I encourage you to start the self-love journey. It is bloody hard because I was so far from it but I am happy I have started. When I get the negative thoughts, I treat it with positivity – “you are ugly” is replaced with “you look great today, stop being so hard on yourself, look how far your body has brought you”. Good luck with your journey!
  • I am utterly excited for Italy. Despite that woman previously mentioned, I am excited to be in Tuscany, to drink coffee on the imaginary balcony where I imaginary live, to eat pasta and pizza, to learn to cook and to make friends/family. I will make this work and if it doesn’t I will come home and I have realised I am not a failure for that. It is the way life goes but I am prepared to succeed. I really hope it goes well. I am absolutely terrified for it but I remind myself that I am doing this for me. I am sensible, hardworking and determined. I will find a way to make this work for however long I wish it to work. I deserve good things (and so do you by the way)!
  • I love blogging but I feel a bit in flux. I don’t know what to blog about and I can’t find the motivation to do so regularly but I will figure it out. I am not putting too much pressure on it because I always want to enjoy blogging.
  • NaNoWriMo – my first ever attempt and I am enjoying it. I broke 40k words today (don’t get too excited for me, I had 30k starting this month). It is giving me something to aim for and I aim to spend the month of December editing. That will hopefully turn to more editing in January then sending it to friends and people who will read it, more editing and then potential publishers. Fingers crossed!

Thank you for reading my novel-length “I’m back!” blog post. I really hope you have a lovely weekend. Also, if you are reading this and you like the cut of my jib send me a comment or email, I would love to make some blogger friends (though after ‘cut of my jib’ you might be turned off and I entirely understand, believe me, I do). My likes are the U.S Office, Parks & Rec, The Simpsons, The I.T Crowd, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, SATC along with chocolate (don’t know how long a convo about chocolate will last but hey, I’m game), horses, Italy, moving abroad, travel, books, writing, mozzarella, bread, Brighton, YouTube, Zoe Sugg.

Honestly, if you’re up for a chat, so am I.

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