After writing drafts for three half-hearted blog posts I realised there is one thing I want to talk about. I have always considered myself a feminist or at the very least interested in equality issues but as of lately I have brought myself to delve further into the topic and the very relevant discussion that is going on right now. Researching more into this topic made me feel like I had no idea what my opinion is and I definitely had no idea what I was talking about previously to this. This sounds like I have changed my mind on feminism, I haven’t but I have, for too long, ran blindly into issues with opinions blazing without having a solid, carefully curated opinion of my own. Before you read any further I just want to let you know I don’t have an opinion yet and I definitely won’t have one by the end of this post. This post is me documenting my process, my thoughts, and, ultimately (not in this post though), my opinion.
I recently came across a group of women that made me actually think about what I thought I was thinking about (keep up!). These women I have only met through their online essays but it made me feel insecure in my opinions. Insecure is probably the wrong word, what I mean is they made me rethink. These women wrote beautiful, thought provoking pieces, getting their point across without forcing their opinions on the reader. It is at this point I should say I have never or will never force feed my opinions to anyone but the reason I am struggling so much is that I am like a sponge absorbing people’s stories and their opinions and then forming my own. I have recently realised none of those opinions are my own, they are everyone else’s but my own.
The more I thought about this the more I started looking into what it meant to be a feminist. In the beginning it was simple pop culture references such as the opening speech to ***Flawless by Beyonce (which I learned was an excerpt from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s Ted Talk speech named “We should all be feminists”). This then made me delve into asking Google hundreds of questions and picking out potential readings to finally form my own opinion. The issue is, after reading all of these I still have no idea. There is a piece of writing that is floating around in my mind for a couple of months or so but every time I go to write it, it just floats away. It’s still there but it is shy, not wanting to be read by anyone but me and this is because I don’t know what my take is on it. Its focus point is women but how can I write about something that I don’t have a fully formed opinion on and therefore don’t know where I stand. I am weighed down by the burden of forming my own opinion on a topic that is so heavy for fear I will say something wrong and offend or say something I misunderstood and offend.
The speech Reese Witherspoon gave at Glamour’s Women of the Year awards left me in an existential crisis…or maybe an identity crisis. Im not quite sure which. Beyonce and Reese are two very simple examples of what triggered this thought avalanche. The one thing that keeps appearing the more I look into it is the word ambition. As an avid dreamer I would consider myself an ambitious person but does ambition mean you dream about the thing or do you go out an get it after dreaming about it? I know the answer so I go back to dreaming. Why this is weighing so heavily on me at the moment, I have no answer.
Is it all about equal ambitions? No, its deeper than that. I am sucked into a vortex of questions- rhetorical and literal. I have never done this but don’t get me wrong, I am not a stupid person. I don’t sit at home ear and eyes blocked from the world but I have never informed myself so much that the information is leaving my body because my brain can’t retain it all. I feel like I have spent two days straight studying with no breaks when that’s not the case. I just happen to feel more overwhelmed by this because it is not an easy opinion to have. If you managed to read that whole post well done to you! It is a mash of my thoughts before I wrote this and during which created something that I could possibly reconsider. If anyone has any reading/video recommendations, send them my way!