Every magazine I read while growing up, I felt, spoke about how these strong women grew out of self consciousness and began not caring what people thought of them the older they got. I have found this to be the opposite for me. Let me teleport you back to early 2000’s.
It is the early 2000’s and I am wearing black O’Neills tracksuit bottoms with a fluorescent purple and white Nike hoodie. My hair is scraped back to a low ponytail with a harsh middle parting and two antlers ‘framing’ my face (antlers=two tiny strands of hair pulled down in front of your face).
To 2015 me I look shocking, what was she thinking with those cat-hair attracting pants, never mind the antlers! 2015 Lisa is mortified, 2000’s Lisa thinks she looks gorgeous and, let me tell you, she was kind of right! (cringe) Thankfully, come the mid 2000’s, due to overuse of crunchy curling mousse her antlers just broke off one day never to reappear again.
*air wavers once again*
Now that we are back to 2015, I wear all black with maybe a red tartan shirt or a white jumper but mostly black. This is because the ‘black is slimming’ mentality and my fear of attracting attention to myself. Do you think early 2000’s Lisa cared in the slightest. No! She would have said “put more fluorescent purple on my clothes!”.
(Be prepared this next part is dramatic)
I think the world has gotten to me a bit. It has made me feel not good enough and I do partially blame the internet showing me Tumblr ideals but, the rest is down to me allowing myself to think this critically as for one time I thought quite highly of myself. Early 2000’s Lisa didn’t care about all this because she didn’t have anything to compare herself to. Yes, there were magazines but I bought Bliss and Shout which told you how to apply your blue eyeshadow properly and how to get your glitter hairspray to shine the strongest. I have grown up critical of myself and I am really trying to not do that. It is so easy to doubt yourself and I find myself doing it with the smallest things. For example, people asking do I want a chewing gum my thought process is;
– No thanks, I hate chewing gum
– Wait are they saying that because my breath smells?
– Did I brush my teeth this morning?
– I did but maybe I didn’t do it right
– I need to buy floss.
– Actually I will have a chewing gum. -is nauseous until she gets to a bin to throw said gum out-
They offered a chewing gum to be polite as they were taking one themselves.
I make everything more complicated than it needs to be (as you can see in this blog post by the impromptu conversation about gum). I need to take a breath and not let me get me (P!nk). I am trying to make a conscious effort to pick myself up rather than put myself down but, old habits die hard, it sounds easier than it looks, looks can be deceiving and, other cliches that make excuses. Thanks for listening!